Inglewood

2002-08-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

Tourists pat feeding-frenzied great whites
From the back of a dead whale, tourists in Australia patted several great white sharks which were feeding on the carcass. Australia to create laws 'to protect people too stupid to protect themselves.'

There are acceptable ways of entertaining yourself. Time tested, efficient, and much less retarded ways to add some joy to an otherwise meaningless existence. People need to quit being such jerkoffs all the time. I am not looking forward to growing old and sitting in a nursing hom listening to my fellow old coots prattle on and on about how they used to be into extreme sports. My generation wont have tall tales about fishing and wistful memories of kissing the prettiest girl in the county on the winter sleigh ride. Oh no, they're too busy para-sailing and shit.

Unacceptable forms of entertainment.

Shark petting. This is now #1 with a bullet.
Bungee jumping. The less said the better.
Climbing anything. Mountains, rocks, etc. It's not fun, I know it and you know it, let's drop the charade already.
Anti Capitalist protesting, hell, protesting in general. I don't care how loud you yell, it's pretty obvious you're really out there to prove to your buddies how "down" you are. And your cause sucks. The Gap is not "evil" Really, they aren't. The Khmer Rouge was evil. The Gap sells khakis. Anyone who can't see the difference is insane. Meat is NOT murder, and until a cow is appointed to the Supreme court, it never will be. And your protesting tactics are futile. We've seen it all before. Bunch of freakin troublemakers if you ask me.
Volunteering. It's worthwhile, but it's not "fun" and damn well shouldn't be a lifestyle. If you're not making yourself miserable, then you're not really helping anybody.
S&M, bondage, fetishes etc. Yawn. it's just a way of getting some attention. let's ignore them. Ever notice that the only people into polyamory have names like Raven Nightshade and Wolfsbane Nightcraphead loser? When girls named Tiffany and Shaniqua get into it, give me a call.

Acceptable forms of entertainment.
Drinking
masturbation
eating Ice cream
skinny dipping
playing cards
good old fashioned regular sex
mocking those who are different from you
Special Olympics. No really, I'm not mking fun. Have you seen how much fun they have? There should be olympics for everybody. With hugs at the end.

2002-08-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

There's a new teriyaki place up on by my house called "Teriyaki
Madness" I am obsessed with "Teriyaki Madness". I haven't actually eaten
there or anything, I don't know if I'm really ready to tempt my Teriyaki
sanity just yet, but I walk by there a lot, mostly after they close, just to
look for signs of mayhem. I have this picture in my head of shirtless
teriyaki chefs snorting MSG and serving up the food in an old shoe, While a chicken pecks out your order
on an old fashioned cash register. Calliope music for sure. There's a huge sign in the window...

"FREE! 12 oz. soda with any teriyaki purchase"

THAT'S FUCKING INSANE!!!!

2002-08-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

In world gone mad, one man made a difference. One man was unafraid to hide in the bushes of life, peek in the window of his potential, reach into his "bravery" pants, and stroke his opportunity until he shot his hot steamy success all over his "shirt".

Aw fuck, that was bad. I apologize. I'll start over, you deserve better than that. Sometimes I forget that I'm not an audience of one. There's no I in team. Sure, I woke still drunk from the night before, reeking of cheap whore, hands dirty with shame and humiliation. Yes, It's true, I didn't even brush my teeth before staggering down the the bodega for a tall can of Bud, but my bloodshot eyes were sheilded from the bright morning sun by a pair of knockoff Oakley Blades, and maybe I wasn't seeing the world clearly, but I was SEEING THE WORLD. And I'm going to be JUST FINE. And you'll never know the transformative experience of stopping the shakes before they start if all I'm willing to share is crap like "reaching into my bravery pants".

I was a little hungover, but still hungry. Man-hungry. I walked my bad self into the Winchell's for an american croissant(The french don't deserve donuts, Donuts are for winners) and set upon the task of ordering a dozen.

Ordering a dozen is a lot like life. It's about choice, but within a predetermined set of rules. There's all kinds of donuts, but you only get 12, and whatever twelve you get, it's gonna cost you. But it's gonna cost the next guy too, Nobody gets donuts for free, unless you own the donut shop, but most of us don't own donut shops, do we? There's only a few owners, and a lot of eaters. Like life, see what I mean?

Chapter 1. You want coffee with that?

When you're ordering your dozen, you start with a couple of old fashioned, and glazed raised or two. It's just how it works. Those are the building block donuts. They're like basic intelligence, or physical ability. Morality. Religion. The things we all start with in life. I can hear the naysayers in the back.."Maybe I don't want to start with old fashioneds, or glazed raised. maybe I want 12 Jelly donuts." Well shut the fuck up! Maybe if you got here on time you would have got a seat up front Mr. Smarty Pants Hemp for victory dopehead motherfucker! Try going through life without the basic building blocks. Try being a total fucking spastic, or go live in a dumpster Mr. Insaney pants! The rest of us will have a couple of glazed raised, and a couple of old fashioned. So what we've learned is that when buying a dozen donuts, we're really only choosing 8 or so donuts. Sure we "chose" the first four, and we'll get a dozen to take home, but choice-wise, what we're really talking about is 8 donuts. So the whole destiny vs. free will argument is covered right off the bat.

Chapter2:We're all in the same Gang

Next you pick out a chocolate cake donut, maybe with sprinkles, or maybe not. it's all good, and then you figure you better throw in a plain cake donut as well. Cause we're all the same on the inside, y'know? Black, White, Asian, Non-black Hispanic, or Other______, if you cut us we all bleed red. Diversity is the key to understanding, and tolerance is the glue that holds this house of cards we call America together.

Chapter 3:It must be Jelly, cause Jam don't shake like that
Now you're eying the filled donuts. Go ahead, Live a little. Get your rocks off. That's what we're talking about here. S-E-X. Your "filled" donuts symbolize your sexuality. Your lust. Gettin your freaky freak on til the break of dawn. Picking a filled donut isn't a choice. It's who you are. Do your thing. When you pick a jelly donut or two, noone knows or cares if you just bite into that motherfucker. Or maybe you nibble around the edges, waiting for that first brazen nub of jelly to peek out inviting you to lick it oh so gently. Letting the anticipation of the warm pocket of sweet jelly goodness that awaits in it's moist pocket of sweet sweet dough. But once you get to the jelly, don's stop, keep your rhythym till it's all gone, or you'll end up with jelly all down the front of your shirt, and you'll pretty much have to start over again. Keep in mind though, If you get a chocolate eclair or a Boston cream, the counterperson will pretty much assume that you're sticking your finger in there as soon as you get to the car.

Chapter4:Any other donut means you're gay
Unless of course you actually are gay, then it means you're straight. Or something. Maybe not. I know they put paxil in the maple bars. I had a cousin once who ate a blueberry cruller, and 20 minutes later he was giving some guy a bj. Which is why it's never a good idea to send baked goods to relatives in prison.

2002-08-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

Christina who? Pink what? Nice try Shakira, but there's only room at the top for one. Britney.I Love Rock n' Roll.

2002-08-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

Tshirts that tell the truth. It's what we need. Surely we have the technology to make a tshirt that somehow picks up on your brainwaves, parses your personality and current thoughts and emotions and instantly displays the results on the front of your shirt. Your vital statistics, your secrets, the truth. Don't try to cover that shit up either. We all have to wear them,and you're no exception. Don't like what your shirt says, do something about it. Some shirts I would have seen recently.....

I have a tiny penis.
Of course this guy doesn't need the shirt to advertise this, his slight stature, cocky attitude, and flashy new sports car spell it out pretty clearly. But the shirt could elaborate further. "I have a tiny penis, and I dont feel too good about it.' Or, "I have a tiny penis and someone's gonna pay!"

I regularly compromise everything I believe in, simply because I'm afraid to be alone
This shirt would also be see through, with little handles to make it easier to lift over the head.

I hate my parents for giving me everything I ever wanted
This shirt would have to have very large type, so it could be read from a distance, becauese nobody wants to get too close to a stinky hippie.

I have extremely low self esteem, so don't even approach me unless you plan to treat me like shit, in which case, I'd be glad to sleep with you.
This shirt would have the added bonus of lighting up lika christmas tree in the presence of anyone wearing an "Anger management problem" T-shirt.

I'm a fucking moron!
This shirt would always look just like everybody else's shirt.

I give great head
See, I told you this was a good idea.

I give great head, because I'm emotionally unstable, and way too eager to please
Or maybe not such a good idea after all.

I didn't get enough hugs as a child
Comes with your choice of accessories: A big floppy Dr.Seuss hat, a snake,a parrot, or a crippling heroin addiction.

If I just realized I was gay, I would be much nicer to women
This shirt is guaranteed to get you laid. And how!

Everybody hated me in high school, and I never really got over it
This shirt would alternate between this message and the names of obscure indie rock bands.

No really, I actually am perfect in every way
Cause I would have to wear the shirt, just like everyone else...

2002-08-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

ipod madness I predicted this, but noone believed me. Apple fuckin rules! I am such a nerd. A horrible horrible nerd and I will die alone.

2002-08-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday.

Hartman: I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir!" Do you maggots understand that?
Recruits: [in unison] Sir, yes, sir!
Hartman: Bullshit! I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!
Recruits: [louder] Sir, yes, sir!
Hartman: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death, praying for war. But until that day you are pukes! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps! Do you maggots understand that?
Recruits: [in unison] Sir, yes, sir!
Hartman: Bullshit! I can't hear you!
Recruits: [louder] Sir, yes, sir!
Hartman: What's your name, scumbag?
Snowball (Peter Edmund): [shouting] Sir, Private Brown, sir!
Hartman: Bullshit! From now on you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?
Snowball: [shouting] Sir, yes, sir!
Hartman: Well, there's one thing that you won't like, Private Snowball! They don't serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall!
Snowball: Sir, yes, sir!
Joker (Matthew Modine): [whispering] Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Hartman: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little Communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk. Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?!
Cowboy (Arliss Howard): Sir, no, sir!
Hartman: You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm! I'll bet it was you!
Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Joker: Sir, I said it, sir!
Hartman: Well ... no shit. What have we got here, a fucking comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister.
[Sergeant Hartman smashes Joker in the stomach, sending Joker to his knees.] Hartman: You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers and I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Joker: Sir, yes, sir!

2002-08-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

Today I'm Designy McDesignerstein.

Kawaii!!
ChocolateEvan Hecox makes it look easy...it aint.
oooh...pretty.
I gotta go see this building
Look Sharp!

2002-07-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

Conversation overheard on bus.

Man: No, I'm talking about midgets, not dwarves.
Woman: They're the same thing...
M:God! No! Everyone says that...Midgets are just regular people who stopped growing, like Gary Coleman or Webster. Dwarves are the ones with the short arms and stubby legs, and the big heads...
W: Midgets have short legs.
M: You can't tell me you don't notice the difference...you're telling me all people under 4 feet look alike to you?
W: Regardless, you're saying you'd have sex with a dwarf?
M:No, I'd have sex with a midget. No question, wouldn't give it a second thought.
W:But not a dwarf?
M: It depends.
W: I couldn't do it, I just don't find them attractive.
M:I'm not saying it's my ideal, I'm just saying, if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't turn it down. How could you? You probably only get one chance in your life , I say go for it.
W:Yeah, but those stubby little arms...
Man #2: I fucked a midget once.
M:Really, How was...Hey! If you're back here, Who's driving the freakin bus?!?
M#2: That's the least of your worries.(pulls something from pocket)
W:Put that away!
M#2: Not until you hear me out
(begins long, VERY detailed and extremely graphic story which takes place during the Vietnam war, involving himself, a half pound of Cambodian hash and a polynesian dwarf named Matilda. The story is vulgar and highly unbelievable, especially the parts involving The Fonz, and his repeated insistence that the entire Vietnamese war took place on a soundstage in Burbank.)

Or something like that, I wasn't really paying attention.

2002-07-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Eggrolls and Vicodin. Why isn't there an eggroll cart in my neighborhood?
Love your television

2002-07-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

A man named Shaquille...
The best story I've read all year.
Chico, dont be discouraged

2002-07-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

TIPS? I can't wait to rat out my neighbors.
John Daly is my fucking hero

2002-07-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

I don't really think of myself as having been born, it's more like I escaped from my mother's womb. Man, That last sentence is fraught with psychological warning signs. Who uses the word fraught anyway? I should be at the beach right now, that's my problem. Can i say one thing? It's perfectly normal for a man to become aroused in the presence of a woman in a swimsuit. especially if she's dripping wet. It's biology, pure and simple. Now, I'm civilized enough to play it cool, but if you bring up the subject, I aint gonna lie. The biggest problem is, if you go with the mirrored sunglasses, you look like a perv, but without them, it's too much effort to control your gaze. Of course, i have a hormone imbalance and an overactive imagination, so I should probably just shut up. I really do think I have a hormone imbalance, but what I wish I had was a hormone imbalancer. A cordless one, with GPS and a built in digital camera. What's with people who get all surprised and indignant when they realize a song is about sex, or has some sort of innuendo or double entendre? I pretty much assume all songs are about either sex, or the lack of it. Or the people who immediately consider anything even remotely sexual to be "dirty"? And I'm not talking about the christian right, I'm talking about young, liberal, "cool" types. Here's what I hate the most. I say"That girl has nice breasts" someone else says, "I think she's a lesbian" WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING! I can't even talk about this anymore. It makes me too angry. Oh yeah, one more thing...fantasies...How can everyone have the same fantasies? Menage a trois? Public sex? I think people are trying too hard. Know what I fantasize about? 90% of the time? Eating pussy. That's all. Want to have sex in public, a threesome, clown sex? fine with me, as long as I can chow some box while we're at it. Some people would say that's a boring fantasy, but for me, hey, it get's the job done.That's not to say I don't come up with anything more creative than that when actually having sex, or even that it's my favorite act, but it happens to be the one thing i enjoy thinking about the most. If I'm ever at a show with a psychic, and they need a volunteer to come on the stage and have his mind read, and they pick me, the psychic's job is gonna be real easy. At any given time I have one of three things occupying my thoughts...
1.Eating Pussy.
2.The impending takeover of earth by giant space-robots with death lasers shooting out of their eyes/fingertips.
3.Why has there never been a famous female magician.

2002-07-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

In the interest of brevity, the questions from this interview have been omitted from the transcript.

A:We met at summer camp as children, although neither of us really remembers, so it's probably not worth mentioning.

A: Years later, of course, we were both on the panel at a symposium on Klein-Levin syndrome. We began a lengthy correspondence that lasted for years. Until very recently, actually.

A:Klein-Levin Syndrome? Hypersomnia, hyperplasia, confusion, behavioral and psychotic symptoms such as disinhibition, affective instability, agitation and fear or hallucinatory experiences.

A:He spoke at length about a specific case, A 12 year old girl who began to sleep excessively during the day and subsequently her appetite increased, and a state of irritability together with a fear of getting lost or separated from her family developed. These features lasted about 3 days and recurred a week later. On mental state examination she was drowsy and yet restless, playing with her fingers and hair, laughing and singing.

A: Oh, yes, he was a brilliant speaker, the case was fascinating, however during the question and answer period, he was exposed as a fraud. Luckily Kleine-Levin symposiums aren't exactly "A-list" events, there were no social or professional repurcussions.

A: He was very socially active.

A:Of course, he never married, so that type of innuendo is to be expected. But it is true. He was very popular with the ladies. He wrote often of his sexual escapades.

A: In very great detail, actually. I often told him that he should write a tell-all memoir. In jest of course. He was a very private man.

A: I couldn't do that. He was very adamant about the confidentiality of his letters. He made me promise that I would burn all of his letters one month after recieving them.

A: I'd never tell if I didn't. Whatever I can recall from memory is fair game, though. It was one of our rules. It was his belief that there is no truth in memory, so it can only decieve us, never harm us.

A: He was very fond of a particular act. He often said that talking was the least effective way to please a woman with your mouth.

A: I wouldn't know.

A: He never had any children. Come to your own conclusions.

A:If I recall correctly, he said his fondest sexual memory was sliding his hand into a girls shirt and fondling her breast while having drinks with a table full of people in a discoteque aboard a cruise ship. Either noone noticed, or felt it innappropriate to comment. He felt that the combination of covert sex and social nicety, when combined with the atmosphere of high energy dance music and the high seas, created an erotic pinnacle that he could never hope to reach again.

A: I wouldn't call him a romantic. He was very firmly grounded in reality. He hated empty gestures.

A: He often closed his letters with one of his declarations. I'll give you some of my favorites.
A woman can be pleased with a man, but never by him. Germans make everything ugly, especially homosexuality. Doctors sometimes get sick, Clowns sometimes cry, but gigolos are never lonely. In a perfect world, only children would have guns. Sex without pain is like food without hunger. Never trust a dishonest man, always trust a dishonest woman. If God hated ugly people, he wouldnt have made so many of them. The difference between man and woman is that they both have nipples.

A: Like most geniuses, he was often sad, and mostly insane.

2002-07-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

Stay Gold

The outsiders is a really good book. " Ponyboy, Ponyboy are you okay, " Johnny said as he was running over to him. This is the change of their whole lives.

Friends are always there for you. When Johnny killed the soc at the park. Dally gave him money to live on until Dally got up to where they were staying. It reminds me when I was getting made fun of . My friend was there right by my side. I am always there for my brother when he gets made fun of just because he is fat, but I tell him that they are just doing that just to make you made. My sister always told me that if someone is hurting may be someone died in their family that you should always be a friend to them no matter what.

You always have some one there for you at all times. When Johnny would come home at night when his dad and mom would hit him. They would always yell at him and so Ponyboy and the gang was there for him. It reminds me of when I am always sick. My mom would always be there for me. She would be right by my side. She would always give me my medicine and make my eat my food so I could get better. It also reminds me when my sister is sick I am always there for her. The Outsiders is really a good book. I enjoyed reading the book in class.

Johnny was an abused child. His mom and dad would always hit, yell at him when they were drunk. I really fill bad about kids that get abused because their parents would be drunk or they will not do what the parents because it is something bad and they don't want to do whatever it is. Johnny wouldn't come home for that night because they would still be drunk. Just like when Johnny was in the hospital and he didn't want to see his mother at all. He told the nurse that he didn't want to see his mother because of what had happened the night before.

The book is a very sad ending because after the rumble. Ponyboy and Dally went to the hospital to check on Johnny to see if he was okay. They were there for little bit when Johnny died. Dally ran out of the hospital. He want to the gas station and he robbed it. He ran to the park and the police shot him three times in the back. Ponyboy wrote the story about what had happened at the end.

2002-07-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

Conspiracy a go-go

Ok, I'm just going to come out and say it. Robots are everywhere. My mailman-lady is definitely a robot. The telltale signs are there. if you stand real close, you can hear her beeping and whirring. Snoop dogg? I saw an interview with him on BET, and he had a refrigerator magnet stuck to his cheek. Steve Perry, ex-frontman of the seminal rock band Journey? AUTOMATON! I saw three raver kids at the bus stop drinking motor oil the other night. I dont think they were robots. I just think raver kids are stupid. But the homeless guy passed out in a puddle of his own urine outside the thai plce up the street? Definitely of android. How else would you explain the sparks shooting from his crotch? Now, don't run right out and form a ragtag vigilante mob armed with crude prison shanks and pillowcases filled with oranges in a vain attempt to rid the world of robot scum. No, that would be hasty and ill advised. The robots are mostly harmless at this point. Robot technology has barely progressed beyond the ability to issue vague monotone threats of world domination and the occasional cockblocking attempt. Sure one day in the future they will posess the ability to shoot death rays from their eyes, and travel through time to asassinate linda Hamilton's career, but for now they just show up at your house right when you're about to make sweet, sweet love to some bimbo/himbo you just met at T.G.I. Fridays. Usually they pretend like the need to borrow something, or have something important to tell you, and before you know it, they're droning on in their monotone robot voices about "machines will one day rule the earth, blah dee fuckin blah". And you aint getting no booty that night, that's for damn sure. I don't think the cockblocking has anything to do with their plans for an all robot-all the time planet. It's just that they have no concept of the complex human emotions involved in getting a blowjob from a Hooters waitress. It's not their fault really, I kind of feel bad for them. Besides, we're gonna need those robot dudes when the space-robots invade our planet. Won't they be surprised when they show up and realize we have our own army of indestructible deathr ray equipped robots to kick their uppity space robot asses. So be nice to the robots. Besides, they're also really good at doing "The Robot" when Funkytown or Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant comes on the radio. And if you're dating a robot you've probably noticed that your lover's vagina and/or penis is made of military grade titanium. That doesn't mean they can't give you herpes. So be careful.

2002-07-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Watch yourself
Robot cameras 'will predict crimes before they happen'
CCTV: By learning behaviour patterns, computers could soon alert police when an unmanned camera sees 'suspicious' activity

I need one of these to follow me at all times. I don't know what I'm going to do next.Although you could save money on the expensive equipment. Chances are if I'm in the bushes, I'm about to do something illegal.

word? yo, word!

2002-07-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

Today's theme...art.

Snow Art I always thought these were brilliant.

Can I buy one NOW!

in search of the perfect timewaster

the right stuff

I'll take two

2002-07-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Billy,
Thanks for your timely email. I was wondering what happened to you after that night in Vegas. It's good to know you escaped (relatively) unscathed. Please don't worry about the hotel bill, M___'s vulgar display at the blackjack table turned out to be a blessing in disguise. we blamed the vomiting on food poisoning from one of our room service trays, and the entire stay was comped. Who knew that along with excessive vomiting, rancid shrimp could also cause one to remove all of their clothes and mace the concierge? I guess they see that sort of thing often.

As far as the other thing is concerned, you weren't there, so it would be inappropriate of you to judge based solely on Friedrich's account of the incident. What one person consider sexual assault, another person would consider a joke gone too far. We all know Friedrich has no sense of humor whatsoever, and really, if he had gone along with things, I'm sure the twins would have given him his clothes back eventually. Such a baby! We did miss you though, as you can tell, without you things sometimes tend to get out of hand. I'm sure by the time you join us for Vitaly's retirement party, tempers will have cooled.

Feather enjoyed your answers to her questions, here are her responses to your inquiries. She swears that when the casts are removed from her hands, she will email you herself. Until then I am happy to act as go-between.
1. Never
2.I'm allergic to GHB, but the rest sounds like fun.
3.My Grandfather invented the gumball machine.
4.Nikki Giovanni
5.Because each letter of Timothy's name has a vertical axis of symmetry, the mirror image of the name remains unchanged.In Rebecca, only the A has a vertical axis of symmetry, as a result the A is unchanged, but all the letters are mirror reversed.

Write back soon!
Your friend ,
B.vonLeer

2002-07-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

How to waste a perfectly good Sunday

11 am: Wake up. Wander aimlessly around apt. waiting for the morning wood to subside. pee. Try to decide if headache, drymouth, and ennui are hangover related, or caused by overwhelming self-hatred and/or anxious dread at the thought of facing another day in this hellish joke of an existence that you foolishly call a life. Wisely decide on the hangover explanation, take head out of oven,drink a gallon of water, go back to bed.
12pm: Wake up after having strange dream about standing in the middle of a river while trying to dodge water ballons being thrown at you, RUN! to bathroom.
12:05 pm: Sit on edge of bed, mull over man's greatest philosophical dilemna: If you're too tired to masturbate, then you should probably go back to sleep.However, If you're awake enough to masturbate, then you should probably get up and start your day. Halfheartedly fiddle with your yourself, but stop before self-loathing sets in.
12:15 pm: Brush teeth,shower, shave, wander around house naked, but stop before self-loathing sets in.
12:45 pm: Have first glorious, life affirming cigarette of day. Joyfully anticipate the many more you will have in the day to come.
1 pm: Check voice-mail.Wonder what kind of selfish assholes would dare to call before noon on a sunday.Vow to never speak to friends again for as long as you live.
1:20 pm: Barge into neighbors apartment, demand coffee.Openly mock neighbors jogging ensemble, as well as entire concept of exercise
1:30 pm: Sit on neighbors couch sulking over comment about your weight gain, watch his satellite tv and drink his coffee until he returns from jogging. Sneer spitefully while using last of his non dairy creamer.
2:30pm: Neighbor returns, make sarcastic comeback to his earlier weight gain insult. Deny that you've spent last hour thinking up witty comeback. Talk neighbor into going for donuts.
3pm: Go for donuts. Recap previous night's activities. Lie about how much fun you had so that neighbor feels bad about spending Saturday night at home with significant other. Pretend to believe neigbor while he lies about robustness of sex life with said significant other.
3:30 pm. Contemplate ways to productively spend rest of day. Make mental list of important things to be done.
3:32pm: Playstation 2
4pm: Friend comes by apartment, Blatantly breaks house rule #3 "No talking while Playstation is in use". Refuse to give in to silly"It's really nice out" argument until friend plays the "you're such a fucking nerd" card.
4:15pm: Wander aimlessly around neighborhood,checking out hot girls/complaining about how there used to be more hot girls in neighborhood.Spot cute girl you know across street. Immediately reprioritize rest of day. Hastily ditch friend with lamest excuse possible, chase down cute girl.
5pm: Convince cute girl to join you for drinks. Utilize witty banter to distract girl from the fact that you've been staring at her tits pretty much nonstop the whole time. When accused of staring at breasts pretty much the whole time, become surly and defensive.
7:30pm: Return home, formulate denial based reasoning for why cute girl chose not to join you. Realize that lack of female company is probably a good thing at this point due to high embarassment potential of messy living quarters. Regret spending day avoiding necessary household duties.
8pm: Make half assed attempt at housecleaning, starting with desk area.
8:10pm Surf internet.
11:45pm: Realize that tomorrow is a work day,attribute ensuing headache, drymouth, and ennui to overwhelming self-hatred and/or anxious dread at the thought of facing another day in this hellish joke of an existence that you foolishly call a life.

2002-07-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

Unfortunate Name Hall of fame

Words can not describe...Weezer "Keep Fishin" video

2002-07-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

Correspondence

I think it was Mark Twain that said, "Letter writing is a good thing, and how else will faraway people know that you have something to say?" Of course, We have telephones now, so maybe Mark Twain wasn't so smart. I wonder if Jules Verne had any quotes about letter writing? I'm writing letters anyway, some say it's a dying art, but art can't die, it only becomes irrelevant over time, and gets replaced by some new kind of art involving piss and lots of little tiny dots. Yeah. the letters already.

Dear skinny Chinese guy at the bus stop talking to himself,

Hey man, how's it going. Everything's cool around these parts. Who the hell were you talking to? I had my headphones on, and I wasn't about to take them off just to hear you talk to nobody. But I was curious, were you actually talking out loud, or under you breath? I had my headphones on, remember? All I know is you were talking and nobody else was. You're crazy, and all kinds of skinny. maybe you were delirious from hunger. I hope you were practicing to ask some girl out. Hopefully a girl who can cook. Seeing as how you're a really skinny chinese guy, talking to himself at a bus stop, I doubt you get a lot of dates. You seem cool to me though. Good luck with your ladyfriend, or the alien invaders, or whoever you were talking to.

Sincerely,

your busriding companion.

Dear Leftover Sesame Chicken,

I have so many things I want to say to you. It's hard to get my thoughts out, it's all jumbled up in my brain, but I'll try to slow the thoughts down enough to express myself. I love you. There, I said it. I love you so much it hurts. You dance in my brain like a crisp fall afternoon, alive with the possibility of what is yet to come. A tangy sesame flavored fall afternoon. Even though you are cold, You are flame. My heart is gasoline. You ignite my soul. I don't know how I will live without you, I don't know if I can. The first time you entered me we were briefly as one. Oh, how I want you inside me again, sesame chicken. I accept your flaws, your slight imperfections only make you that much more special to me. I know that your sauce congeals for me and me alone. You are stringy and tough, only because life has made you that way. The horrible things you must have seen while you were inside that refrigerated prison, I shudder to think. But you did your time, you held yourself together, knowing that the day would come soon that I would set you free. Your friend broccoli, he didn't make it. He wilted under the pressure, became soft, bitter, dead inside, but we both know that's because noone loves broccoli, Not like I love you sesame chicken.Sesame chicken, Sesame chicken sesame chicken, your name on my lips is almost as sweet as the tangy spicy nectar of your "sauce". Your sweet sweet sauce, how many others have been imprisoned by the very taste of you? Very soon we will be joined in gastronomic ecstasy. I'm gonna eat you fast and hard, and I'm gonna lick your juice off my fingers when I'm done. together we will be whole. We will be one. Until tomorrow morning. Tomorrow I will shit you out like the easy piece of meat that you are. Because I can't be tied down. Freebird gotta fly,man.Freebird gotta fly... You once flew, Sesame chicken. Remember? But you're about to be used up now, flushed away. And I'm not sorry. Besides, there's this spicy piece of Mandarin beef that I have my eye on.

xoxo,
Billyfleetwood

Dear Television,

I've been watching you, you fucker!

signed,
anonymous

2002-07-10T22:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanna...tape you...all night.

According to AVN (Adult Video News),These are the top 10 Porno flicks in the country...

1. Fresh Meat 14

2. If You Only Knew

3. Little Town Flirts

4. Buttman’s Show-Off Girls

5. Rocco’s Reverse Gang Bang 2

6. Devon Stripped

7. Sex on Film

8. Barely Legal 24

9. Euro Angels Hardball 17

10.The Necklace

I love the title of #7, 'Sex on Film'. It's so...verite.'Little Town Flirts' that one intrigues me. They're not just having sex in this one, they're flirting too.Cause really, sex is all about the anticipation...#4 sounds just plain dirty. Some porn titles I'd love to see...

"Checkout Girls Grocery Store Gangbang", "Taco Bell Sluts", "Barely Legal Hipster Chicks 3", "Homeless Honeys", The Pourne Identity", "Mike Piazza, Up to Bat", "Nerdfucker", "Ja Rule Goes to Prison", "Britney Spears Hidden Camera Hoedown".

If I were to make a porno, the entire soundtrack would be Rufus featuring Chaka Khan. The entire movie would take place in a tricked out Green Metal Flake 1976 Dodge van with a waterbed in the back. The Van would be driven by "Sugar", a slim brazilian in a crocheted bikini top and jogging shorts, and four tattoos,a full back portrait of Keith Richards,"Gimme Shelter" done in old english letters across her stomach, the Union Jack on her left hip, and Maximum R&B in cursive on her neck. Riding Shotgun would be "Candy", a California surfer chick in a pair of cutoff jeans and an AC/DC half shirt, with breasts the size of really large breasts, only bigger.I"m thinking Winona Ryder would be perfect for this part. They'd spend a lazy summer day chilling in the van in a 7-11 parking lot, smoking doobies and drinking slurpees, convincing the rocker dudes in the 1969 Camaro to have sex with them in exchange for six-packs of Black Label. I'd shoot the whole thing in super 8, and the title of course, would be "Ass Gas or Grass, Nobody Rides for Free".

2002-07-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

Big stars make asses of themselves in Japanese commercials
Check out Ewan Mcgregor. He is a massive tool!

2002-07-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

Get some style already...

eat food.

David Bowie

John galliano

Get the Lodown

Stella McCartney

2002-07-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

If I have a cup of grape juice in my hands, I treat it with the same reverence and respect I would treat a cup of radioactive waste. It might as well be mercury, for all I care. You'd think someone would have cross pollinated a grape vine with an Oxi-Clean tree by now and come up with a grape juice that wouldn't fill me with the "stain fear". What's the difference between grape juice and non alcoholic wine anyway?

2002-07-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

Whenever someone points out another person as their "dream" guy or girl, I always wonder if at some point that person's head is going to turn into a pig head and then everything's moving really fast, and you're trying to raise your hand but your arms sooo heavy, and then you're underwater.And there's a midget.

2002-07-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Maxim Magazine,
Thank you for almost giving me a boner. If you had shown me some nipple, or god forbid, an actual female vagina, I would have definitely achieved full erect status right there at the Barnes and Noble magazine rack. I don't need that kind of hassle, and both myself and the security guards are tired of the whole pepper spray/crying/forced physical ejection from the mall thing. It's a great service you do by almost, but not quite showing me nipples and vaginas in the pages of your magazine every month. Keep it softcore!That's what I always say. I also want to thank you for your tips on picking up women anywhere/anytime. Without your sage advice, I never would have figured out that women like confident, polite men who know when to be forward, and when to play it cool. I always assumed that shy inappropriate behavior was the way to score with the ladies. Boy was I wrong!

2002-07-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

Christina Aguilera vs. the Strokes

More ketchup? Please!

Pong, Beeeyatch!

2002-07-02T01:12:00.000-07:00

Now I walked on ice and never fell
I spent my time in a plush hotel
I stood on many stages, held many mics
Take airplane flights, at huge heights
So all you sucker MC's, you gotta say please
Cause when he jumps high, I'm pulling down weeds
Got a song so strong, it's knocking down trees
Is it hard to believe it's Run-DMC

2002-06-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to become addicted to a song? Not like getting it stuck in your head, but really feeling like if you stop listening to this specific song for two seconds, you're going to get the shakes or something. I just listened to Orange Moon by Erykah Badu 4598273849 times. I don't even like Erykah Badu. I promised links...

I used to skate
The last temptation of Spiderman
Car Thief
Rollin Rainier and the jealous wanna get some...

That Taco Bell is STILL randomly closed for no good reason at times it should be open.

2002-06-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

Like a motherfucker.

She had very nice hair, and by very nice, I mean nice like the first day of spring is very nice. "It's very nice out", neighbors say as they pass each other on their morning dog-walks. Jack Russell terriers and pugs straining at their leashes. "yes, very nice" they reply, despite the fact that at least one, if not both have little plastic bags of dogshit in their hands. There was nothing about her though that would ever make you think of dogshit, not for a second. No Sir. She actually hated the word nice, I once told her she had nice hands and she gave me the finger. Despite the delicate ladylike nature of her perfectly manicured hands, there was menace in that bird that she flipped. It aroused me. The thought that such a beautiful creature was capapble of such enmity, was grounds for rethinking my entire worldview. I often thought of this when we made love, which was only once, but I thought of it a lot that one time. She smelled of daffodils. I asked her, no, I told her to sit on my face, afterwards I realized she had no idea I meant it in a sexual way. She never even took her pants off. Which was for the best because she mostly was sitting on my neck and ear. After about twenty minutes she looked down from the magazine she was reading, I think it was the june issue of Vanity Fair, and asked if I was enjoying myself. My reply was muffled, but I think she got the gist of what I was saying. We had a connection. She made a wicked bundt cake. I think I may have loved her briefly, but unfortunately we met at a laundromat, and no great love story has ever began in a laundromat. Many timeless romances have ended in laundries, but for beginnings you need more mystery than your average laundromat can provide. I pointed out that there was a hole in one of her socks.

"How else am I going to get my foot into it?" she replied with a smirk.

I knew then that one day, after we had briefly dated and then drifted apart, I would want to marry this woman.
She touched my heart in an inappropriate manner, and refused to apologize. She had a beautiful neck. It held her head up remarkably well, proving the timeless adage of "form follows function". She told me I was the best lover she'd ever met in a laundromat. After that there was nowhere to go but down. We stopped seeing each other, and few weeks later we stopped hanging out. She promised to call, but she never did. I promised to write, which I do often, but never to her, but hey, at least I keep my promises. Sometimes I smell the sweet scent of daffodils wafting through the air, and I turn around quickly, but 3 times out of 5 it's not her. To this day the sight of a woman with nice hair makes me feel all funny inside. I usually have to run home and masturbate, and then the feeling goes away, but sometimes I let it linger. The funny feeling that is, not the masturbation, that's usually done pretty quickly.